Day Camp

Male Counselor #1.....Damon Wayans
Female Counselor.....Ellen Cleghorne
Male Counselor #2.....Tim Meadows
Busdriver #1.....Adam Sandler
Busdriver #2.....Chris Farley


[ open on exterior, African-American day camp, the kids crowd around outside while waiting for their buses to arrive ]

Male Counselor #1: Alright, alright, I want everybody lined up!

Female Counselor: Alright. [ rading from list on clipboard ] Akila, Charneal.. come on! We gotta line up, otherwise we're not gonna play!

Male Counselor #1: That goes for you, too, Briquette! I want you over there by Pneumonia! Alright, we're gonna play Red Rover. Everybody want to play Red Rover?

[ the kids yell with excitement, all except for one ]

Male Counselor #1: What's wrong with you, Lexicon? You too cool to play Red Rover? Maybe you and Monoxodil want to sit on the bench all night! Alright. Let's pick sides. Latrine, Melanoma.. you two are captains!

Female Counselor: Nah-ah-ah! Melanoma was Captain yesterday!

[ two girls begin to scuffle; Male Counselor #2 breaks them up ]

Male Counselor #1: Hey, hey! What's that all about?!

Male Counselor #2: I'm sorry.. it's Noxzema, sir. She and Algebra have been ganging up on Purina and Chlymydia all day.

Male Counselor #1: Fine! Then you're all four on the same team! Okay.. I want Chinchilla, Hyperbole, Frigidaire and Bulimia - over here, right now!

Female Counselor: Let's go! Let's go, on that side! Alright, on this side.. let's have Quesadilla, Binaca, Silhouette and Agoraphobia! Let's go!

Male Counselor #1: Okay, over here.. I want Testicle, I want Uretha, and Uvula - over here, right now!

Female Counselor: Uhh.. I think you might want to keep them seperated. Uvula, uh.. over here with Lubriderm, Spatula, Conundrum and Mylanta!

Male Counselor #1: Okay. Now, everybody remembers how to play Red Rover? What you want to do is say, "Red Rover! Red Rover! Send Spinal Bifida 'round over!" And then, Spinal Bifida, you break the human chain.

Male Counselor #2: Okay, I'm sorry.. uh.. anyone taking the bus back to Oceanside, it's here. So, I'm gonna need Crackatola, Robitussin, Hologram, Nutrasweet, Gynalotrimen, Trifecta and Quinella. Let's go!

Male Counselor #1: It's alright, it's alright.. we can still play! We got Cornea, we got Listerine, and we got Harpischord Duracell!

Busdriver #1: [ enters scene ] Alright, kids, uh.. bus to Greenport! I need, uh.. Fellatio, uh.. Exomon Red Tattooie.. and Abracadabra - let's go!

Female Counselor: Outta here!

Busdriver #2: [ enters scene ] Sorry, kids! Bus to Hampstat's here! Let's have.. Genitalia, Rubik's Cube, K-Tel, Placebo and Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Karma Chameleon!

Male Counselor #1: Alright, then, we gonna have to forget the Red Rover game, but I got another one. We gonna play The Name Game! We'll start with Onomatopoeia. [ singing ] "Onomato bo-poeia, Banana-fama fo-poeia, Fee-fi mo-poeia.."

[ fade ]