Direction...


I need direction. I have no idea what I am doing and I don't feel like doing it. I have sat at home the past two days barely looking for jobs. I look on Monster and other various sources. I briefly look over the classified ads. What am I looking for? Is there a job out there that says Kyle please apply because this is the one for you? NO! There isn't. I look at everything and say well I could probably do that but at the same time it doesn't seem like I am qualified enough. I feel like a huge phoney all of a sudden and I keep telling myself that I'm not. I'm about to start looking for part time work. I need money. I keep seeing an advertisement for a job position at Wild Birds Unlimited. That could be a cool job. It would provide me with money that I am in need of right now. Cash flow is low. I'm working the door at the Bar this weekend which will provide me with a little extra cash flow to help keep me afloat. That is all I am doing right now anyway, just floating along in the sea of real life. I will wash up on a barren island every so often but what I really need to do is actually swim and find a Metropolitan Pier. I can't afford to float much longer or I will drown. I don't even think that I can afford to drown either.

I lack motivation. I don't feel like looking for motivation to use motivation. I need the easy way out. I need to win the lottery and then not have to deal with this crap. Or just marry a rich girl and have lots of kids and be Mr. Mom. I can do that. I love kids. I just want to sleep, I don't want to do anything, just sleep. When I sleep I am happy. I can be anything and do anything in my dreams. Sure you might say I can do anything I want now... sure... within the confines of reality. Can I go take a cruise right now? NO! I would have to have money. The stuff that the world revolves around. The stuff that doesn't really matter in life. I've got all I need right now family and friends. But I keep getting told that it is not enough. I have to strive for more. I have to strive for money. People insinuate that I can never be happy without money. Once I have money I can be happy. I hate this point in my life. It is the easiest time I will ever have but at the same time I am in the most turmoil and I hate it.

Congratulations to those who have had the drive to finish school and get a job. I can't afford life anymore because I have no motivation. Next time you wonder about life just remember that you have a path that you paved. It can be worse. But could it possibly be better? Probably not.

Thanks for listening, This has been my depressing rant for the day. -K